Hey folks, Harry here... this doesn't seem like the worst movie ever, like Ford Fairlane said in his subject line, but it does sound pretty bad. So is it going to be an on-going theme that Ben Affleck can convert Lesbians in films due to his... dashing smile and oh so deep eyes... cough cough, giggle giggle. Methinks this will be a far cry from Lunchbox's tale of romance and heartache. Just a wager. Beware of massive spoilers...
Just saw Gigli with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Never have I seen such a disasterous film as this. Martin Brest has finally lost it. I loved Beverly Hills Cop like everyone else. I don't know how much of War Games was his, but I liked that. And I think that Midnight Run is a perfect film. But this movie is all over the place. Matrin Brest doesn't seem to know how to use an editor anymore. Everyone in the theater was writhing for the last hour of the film.
Affleck is Gigli, the hitman with the last name that no one can pronounce. his boss gives him a job to pick up this retarded kid from a hospital, b/c his brother is the prosecuting attorney that is trying to put mafioso Al Pacino behind bars.
This is stupid part number one.
Affleck is able to just walk in and walk out of the hospital with this kid. Not only is this whole part stupid, but from this point on the movie is Rain Man with a hitman, or at least it tries to be. Rain Man however was moving, and this film is just retarded.
On with the story.
J Lo shows up at his apartment where they are keeping the retarded kid. She turns out to be another hit man, ordered to work the same job and keep an eye on Gigli. Why any mob boss would ever think that a good idea is to put the very necessary hostage at the hands of two trigger happy, ego stroking hit men (women), and have them stay at the same house is beyond me. But logic escapes this entire movie. From this plot point, to the taking the patient out of the hospital, there's more. So Affleck wants to bang Lopez, but she's a lesbian. This goes on and on and on, and I swear to God they put footage from Chasing Amy in here, b/c all it is is Affleck and Lopez arguing about gay vs, straight, straight sex vs. gay sex, women vs. men, masculine vs. feminine, on and on and on. It is so boring. They even do one of the scenes with Lopez stretching in sexual positions, where you still end up thinking 'END THIS SCENE NOW!!'
Finally, Gigli's boss wants them to cut off a thumb, but they've grown to like Raymond (I know his name is Brian, but he is Raymond w/o Hoffman) Raymond raps old early 90's rap songs, and dances in public, and curses with his terrets syndrome. you know, he's cure and funny. And in love with the show Baywatch, and don't even get me started on that. Without giving away too much, Gigli cant bring himself to cut off the thumb, and this leads to a falling out with the mob, but falling in love with J. Lo. You see, her ex lover shows up, and slices her wrists. Because its a comedy, and that's what people do in comedies. Suicide. I know, fucking hilarious. AFter that, she takes her lover to the hospital, and then goes home and starts fucking Ben Affleck. Because we all know that lesbians aren't REALLY lesbians. Not with Ben Affleck in the room. Not J. Lo. No. So, the mob closes in, good guys become bad guys, and Affleck and Lopez have to make lifelong decisions. I say this because I don't want to totally ruin the film for those of you who are going to see it.
I can say that this is the worst film that I have seen in about three years. It never knows what it wants to be. Lopez disappears in one of the worst (if not the worst) farewell speeches ever put on celluloid. It has moments of comedy, then romance, then depressing suicde film, followed by a funny scene with Raymond singing Baby's Got Back. Nothing fits.
Save your money and go see something else.
Avoid this like the plague.
The only single redeeming value this film has is J. Lo's nipples piercing through her shirt in the scene in the hospital. Even the sex scene has her covered in a robe THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! Annoying.
And as a first time writer, you can call me Ford Fairlane.
