I am – Hercules!!
Who’s responsible?
Story is credited to Bryan Andrews, Darrick Bachman, Paul Rudish (“2 Stupid Dogs,” “Dexter’s Laboratory,” “The Powerpuff Girls,” “Samurai Jack”) and Genndy Tartakovsky (“Dexter’s Laboratory,” “Samurai Jack”).
What does Cartoon Network say?
Ten new episodes, Chapters 11-20, are scheduled to air on Cartoon Network weekdays at 8 p.m. (ET, PT) from Friday, March 26-Thursday, April 8. Chapters 11-20 advance the animated saga of the Clone Wars. Taking center stage is the battle between Anakin Skywalker and his would-be assassin, the Dark Jedi Asajj Ventress, protégé of the evil Sith lord Count Dooku. Meanwhile, on the desert planet of Dantooine, Mace Windu must single-handedly take on an army of Droid soldiers. And Yoda undertakes a mission to rescue two fellow Jedi, Barriss Offee and Luminara Unduli, who are trapped on the icy planet Ilum. He is joined by Padme Amidala, C-3PO and R2-D2 on this dangerous mission.
The big news?
These final ten chapters are way better than the first ten, and the movie prequels for that matter. They're certainly teeming with touches that will trigger the endorphins of every “Stars Wars” fan geeky enough to have geeked out over episodes I, II and VI. Anakin has his big showdown with Asajj on what appears to be Yavin IV (where Leia would later adorn Han and Luke with medallions). Ilum is a ringer for Hoth, and even features creepy “spy-der” droids similar to the ones that menaced the gang in the first act of “The Empire Strikes Back.” One senses Ilum may play a pivotal role in Episode III. Also? We don’t meet the Episode III character Grievous until Chapter 20.
Do the Clone Wars end?
They do not, though the conflict with the “I.G. Banking Clan” that Anakin and Obi joined in the first ten episodes is declared concluded at the start of chapter 20.
Does Anakin reunite with Padme? Does Dooku die? Does Yoda buy a summer home on Dagobah? Does Qui Gon advise anyone to use The Force?
No, no, no and no.
Can you summarize and make up a fake title for Chapter 11, O Hercules?
WHO’S THAT SITH? When Asajj Ventress attacks, Anakin realizes she’s not a droid and the Force is really, really strong with her. He leaves that banking-clan planet with all the Roman architecture to give pursuit. “Do not follow that ship,” commands General Kenobi from the ground. Anakin ignores Obi, then disappears until chapter 17. “Take a squadron and follow him,” moans Obi-Wan. “I have a bad feeling about this.” C+
Chapter 12?
THE STAMPING HORROR. The action abruptly shifts to the wheat fields of Dantooine, where Mace and his clone troops find their battle with the separatist robots interrupted by what looks kind of like a floating sandcrawler. The massive vehicle, piloted by those “roger roger” robots, demonstrates its ability to generate devastating sandstorms by stamping the planet’s surface. These machine-made sandstorms manage to disable most of the Windu’s clone troops. Macey discovers he’s completely lost his pretty purple lightsabre as thousands of robots tighten a circle around him. B
Chapter 13?
INHERIT THE WINDU. Part two of the Mace story demonstrates that the blackest, baldest Jedi don’t need no stinking lightsabre. Master Windu merely obliterates the metal hordes with his fists and telekinesis, even disabling one pesky bot by psychically stripping the mechanical man of its bolts. Mace recovers his sabre and uses it to open the gigantic “stamper” like a can of beans. The chapter ends with a parody of an old soft drink commercial as a local boy offers the battered Jedi a tasty beverage. B+
Chapter 14?
THE TEMPLE IS BREACHED. Another abrupt change of venue. Just as Barriss Offee - an alien female who runs a kind of secret, sacred Jedi finishing school on a secret Hoth-like planet called Ilum - declares female humanoid Luminara Unduli a Jedi grad, invisible spy-der droids arrive to menace the girls. The bots pile gigantic boulder upon gigantic boulder upon the two Jediettes. Far away, a familiar tiny green fellow senses a disturbance in the Force. “To Ilum we must go!” A-
Chapter 15?
YODA VS. THE INVISOBOTS. Yoda is with Padme, Capt. Typho, Artoo and Threepio on a shiny spaceship. He uses the Jedi mind trick to convince Typho to change their plans. “Save the lives of Jedi I must,” repeats Typho. Padme happens to have a skin-tight snow-bunny suit aboard, but Yoda tells the others to stay put. “Call you I will, if assistance I require.” There is much fighting, and the installment ends with Yoda mind-lifting the giant boulders to see what’s left underneath. B-.
Chapter 16?
THE MISSING JEDI. “I have a bad feeling about this,” mutters Padme. “Master Yoda has been gone too long.” Ordering Artoo and Threepio to to accompany her, she uses her cloak to bait an invisodroid, then uses a terrified Threepio the same way. Yoda appears with Offee and Unduli from chapter 14, and holo-instructions from Count Dooku are found: “Find the temple on Ilum and destroy it.” B
Chapter 17?
THE JUNGLE PERIL. We pick up Anakin essentially where we left him in Chapter 11. He follows skull-faced Sith’s pet Asajj Ventress to what looks suspciously like Yavin IV, and Obi’s clones arrive moments later. Anakin orders the clones to sweep the jungle, and Asajj makes good sport of dashing the hapless clones against trees with her brawny telekinesis. Anakin spots the last surviving clone. “What happened?” he asks, and is answered only with an explosion that blows the clone to bits. Asajj emerges to claim credit. “You’re going to pay for what you’ve done,” snarls Anakin. “Your fall will be my ascension to the Sith,” sneers Asajj. A-
Chapter 18?
BLADES IN THE FOREST. Anakin and Asajj fight, bouncing off, swinging from and climbing the local fauna like they spilled over from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” or something. Asajj continues to use two lightsabres at once and tosses thick logs at her opponent. The two star each other down. It begins to rain. Drops turn to steam as they hit the sabres. B-
Chapter 19?
VENGEANCE ON YAVIN. The fight moves indoors to the flooded stone relics. Stone columns are flung. They battle to the top of a stone structure. Asajj bats away Anakin’s sabre. Anakin grabs Asajj’s wrists and prys away one of her sabres. The stone structure crumbles beneath Asajj’s feet as they continue to fight. Anakin sees the faces of Yoda, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan as she plummets to her death. Anakin screams. B-
Chapter 20?
DARK CLOUD OF THE SITH. “The I.G. Banking Clan has surrendered,” announces General Kenobi. “The Republic is victorious.” Anakin returns to the banking-clan planet flying Asajj’s ship. “It was a trap,” acknowledges Commander Skywalker. “One set by the Sith.” “I find the Sith’s interest in you most troubling,” replies Obi-Wan. A “Master Barrick” sends word that the Jedi are under siege elsewhere. Barrick’s message is cut short when the separtists’ General Grievous steps on his communicator.
The action shifts to Barrick’s planet, where the Jedi are waiting for Grievous to make his next move. The hiding Jedi say things like “Why have they stopped?” “He is unstoppable!” “This is the end!” “We’re all doomed!” “He is coming again!” “We can’t face him!” Things go very badly. It turns ouit Grievous can wield three lightsabres at one time. Grievous whittles the Jedi down until it’s just him and the terrified, tall-headed Andy Dick Jedi. Just as Grievous goes in for the final kill … B
Yes? How does it end, spoiler-boy?
… we cut to Yoda, who looks wistfully toward the horizon. “Darker the coming storm grows,” he moans. “The dark cloud of the Sith shrouds us all.”
What’s good?
The movies’ more important characters have bigger roles in this second set of 10.
What’s not so good?
Asajj can be killed by a fall? Why doesn’t she just save herself with telekinesis?
Herc’s rating for “Clone Wars” 1.11-1.20?
***1/2
The Hercules T. Strong Rating System:
***** better than we deserve
**** better than most motion pictures
*** actually worth your valuable time
** as horrible as most stuff on TV
* makes you quietly pray for bulletins
Only 17 More Shopping Days Till “Wonderfalls,” the season’s best new show!
