Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...

I’m going to Hell for the headline, but at least I have this review to read on the way...

I just got back from seeing the new zombie movie at midnight at the Arclight in Hollywood. I got there way early, like three hours, and I had nothing to do, and I was getting drunk with my friends at this bar in the lobby. The Arclight looks like MINORITY REPORT and there’s a bar where you can drink which other theaters should have if you have to see a movie with Julia Roberts or Ben Affleck or Freddie Prinze or Steve Martin. Actually, there should be a lot of actors where if they’re in a movie you get a can of beer automatic. Also certain plots, like if there’s a gay friend or a lady ghost.

So we still have all this time, and my one friend says, “We should see the Jesus movie. I hear it’s non-stop ass-kicking.” And I like the sound of that, and I thought for a second that maybe this was another Jesus movie by the TAXI DRIVER guy, only now he’s put guns and bullets going into heads instead of crying and that PLATOON guy’s dick-hose.

I’ll make the Jesus review quick – it fucking rules. It made me yell, “Jesus Christ on a cross!” even the scenes that didn’t have Jesus Christ on a cross. This one’s directed by Mel Gibson and he obviously learned some shit from LETHAL WEAPON 2 because he gets right to the action. There’s a shot of the moon and then right away there’s gladiator dudes beating the crap out of a bunch of hippies. Jesus is this guy with a super-powered left hand – it’s like he can give people Wolverine powers by touching them with his left hand. He makes a guy’s ear grow back but before you know it the gladiator dudes arrest him and beat the be-jeezus out of Jesus for two straight hours. Then they nail him to a cross, and he dies, but not after bleeding enough blood to fill up everyone in CADDYSHACK plus that fat vampire dude in the first BLADE movie. Everyone’s pissed at Jesus. They all want him dead. But this is back in Bible times, when they didn’t have shotguns and chainsaws, and back then when you want to kill a superhero you have to rain two hours of whomp-ass on him and then nail him to something, sort of like a message to other superheroes. And they must have gotten the message, because there weren’t any more superheroes until Superman.

This is a great movie to take a chick to ‘cuz it’s super-violent but you can sit there like, hey, this doesn’t effect me, and she’ll think you’re a total bad-ass. Then here comes the blowjob. Thank you, Jesus.

The only thing wrong with the movie is why didn’t anyone cut off his super-powered left hand, and then use it on other people? Like, you could have a bad guy like in ENTER THE DRAGON, where he puts on different hands – claw hand, flamethrower hand, etc. And one of the hands could be the Jesus hand, and you could heal all your henchmen, or maybe touch yourself while you’re kung-fuing someone, so no matter what they do, you can heal.

Also, I like the Satan chick walking around with the baby that has the “Black Hole Sun” face.

The last shot of The Passion of the “Christ” is of Jesus getting up from the dead and walking out of his grave. This is the perfect movie to see right before DAWNING OF THE DEAD because it’s like Jesus was the original zombie (O.Z. – only super good-looking and not smelly), so when DAWNING opens it’s like it’s a sequel. Now it’s thousands of years later and the being-a-zombie thing that Jesus started has caught on. In fact, Jesus in the first movie is always telling his buddies to eat his skin and drink his blood. So now it’s today, and the zombie followers are taking that idea really fucking seriously.

DAWNING OF THE DEAD rules as hard as THE PASSION, but it so pusses out on the violence. THE PASSION is like, “Hold on, ‘cuz I’m going to…” and you’re waiting for it to say, “Punch you in the balls” but it goes ahead and kicks you in the head and then throws a wrench at your ass until you shit. Still, DAWNING doesn’t have the holy-motion John Woo scenes that the PASSION does, so I guess they balance out.

The first ten minutes of DAWNING are big-ass apocalypse, and then credits, and then right back to the apocalypse. A bunch of people who don’t get the zombie-bite hide in a shopping mall but here come the zombies so it’s shooting and punching and explosions. They don’t show zombies sitting down and just eating people, which sucks, but there’s a great scene with a zombie baby. If you’re trying to convince your dumb-ass girlfriend not to have a baby, this is the movie to take her to. In fact, both PASSION and DAWNING have fucked-up babies, so keep these in mind if you want to win a baby argument.

DAWNING is also a remake of a 70’s film, also about zombies. They do a great job of updating it because this movie is set today, rather than the 70’s. There’s also a cool scene where people on the roof of the shopping mall shoot zombies they think look like celebrities. I think this all the time when I see real celebrities, so it was good for a movie to back me up.

Fuck, I don’t know what else to tell you. PASSION and DAWNING is the greatest double-feature ever, but leave enough time in between for that thank-you Jesus blowjob. Eight stars (four for each), and here’s an idea for the third movie in the trilogy: Zombie Jesus vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. That Slinky-Spine Girl from Pet Semetary.

Neill Cumpston

3:21 a.m.

Neill, you beautiful freak, it’s always nice to hear from you. I need to lay down now because I can’t breathe from laughing so hard. One thing's for sure... thanks to this article, I'm going to go see the Neill Cumpston double feature for myself this weekend. Can't wait for the intermission!!

"Moriarty" out.