Fox's FEEBLE FOUR fixing to fumble'

Harry here, and I hate writing these pieces… I can’t tell you how much negative energy drags on me, but frankly… I feel I’ve been quiet on this issue for way too long.

20th Century Fox is about to completely clusterfuck the World’s Greatest Comic film… FANTASTIC FOUR.

This was the film they were supposed to build to. When you looked at the directors that they were getting on board their projects… People like Sam Raimi and Bryan Singer and Ang Lee and Guillermo Del Toro… Screenwriters like David Self, Michael Chabon and Michael France. It seemed like they were really serious about building towards greatness, the franchise that would truly knock the eyeballs out of our collective sockets, but it seems that right now, they’re set for disaster.

First off, there is the schedule. A less than one year turnaround from the start of filming till delivery. Two, plugging in a director with next to no experience with cinematically breathtaking material. And lastly – a script which is just plum stupid.

First there’s the whole Victor Van Damn thing. Now, if it was just a name, I’d be a tad peeved, but groan and take it, but throughout all the permutations of the FANTASTIC FOUR script… even the one by Michael France that everyone that has read it, has loved… they’ve fucked up Dr Doom. The single coolest thing about Dr. Doom is he was this mysterious ruler of a far away tiny kingdom somewhere in Eastern Europe. When he came to New York, he came to speak at the U.N. – to issue his demands, his threats… in person. This wasn’t some chickenshit send a video tape terrorist leader, Dr Doom marched right into the General Assembly and would demand the world surrender to him. His tiny country didn’t have out-dated technological sling-shots with which to threaten his neighboring countries… His little country was a technological T-REX set to annihilate all comers. And the world is not capable to handle it. Like Gort landing in D.C. and just disintegrating tanks and weapons with a glance, Doom similarly rendered enemies useless. He and his nation of unquestioning followers would stand unopposed in the world.

This villain didn’t have secret bases… Dr Doom was basically saying to the worl… This is my country, this is where I am… Come get some! His combination of sorcery and super-science elevated him above all others, and there was only one person on the planet whom he respected… Reed Richards, the leader of the Fantastic Four. In the history of cool villains, Dr. Doom was my favorite. He was eccentric, without being ridiculous… He had class and old country style and he was a cold blooded son of a bitch.

Instead… according to LATINO REVIEW they’ve decided to have Victor Van Damn become some half-assed Euro-trash version of Lex Luthor… WHO – Was never in Von Doom’s league before. Apparently – Van Damn owns the Baxter Building and Sue Storm works for him… Oh… and to add insult to injury… apparently she’s his girlfriend too. Oh, and Damn’s castle is in UpState New York… sigh… Wonder if that’s next to Xavier’s School for the Gifted?

Apparently in the script, they’ve made Johnny Storm the most interesting or appealing character which is just about the worst thing you could do to the Fantastic Four.

What you're supposed to have going on here is as follows... You have Reed and Ben Grimm as best friends, Reed is racked by guilt for transforming his best friend into a monster, and Ben never lets him forget it. Ben walks the Earth as a sideshow freak that could topple buildings and roll up Semi’s into compressed bowling balls. Johnny Storm wasn’t cool – he was a prick, a hot head show-off that reveled in his fame, taking full advantage of being a celebrity stud that could sleep with the women of his choice and loved rubbing it into Ben’s face. His sister was embarrassed about him, and lonely, cuz while she loved Reed Richards, Reed loved his work and was driven to find a way to cure Ben and to help humanity.

They were the world’s superheroes… a team of benevolent beings that brought technological wonders to the modern world, protected us from impossible perils and were glamorous in a way crowds adored. On the inside, they were a dysfunctional family fighting for stability and understanding between one another.

But hey… why do that when you can make Alicia Masters a “blind tough Goth Chick” that hangs out in an Irish Pub? Yeah, the sweet heart of gold Ben Grimm would just go gaga over some Goth Chick. That’s it, completely drain the innocence of her character… My god, by the time Ben let Alicia first touch his face… it should be a moment of intimacy that brings tears to the audiences eyes… as you see the personal shame of revealing to the one person in the world that is just hearing the beauty of Ben Grimm's tortured soul through his voice, see his curse and feel his tears as her light touch dances across his crags. This is great, by making her Goth… what, is Ben Grimm a fetish for her? Is he… ahem… EDGY?

See, it is bullshit like this, when you have people reinventing things that apparently they had no respect for that drives me crazy. This is a film that needs to be A-list from beginning to end. The property was genetically engineered for someone like Robert Zemeckis or Steven Spielberg. Having someone treat Dr Doom not as some half-assed Lex Luthor wannabe, but as the leader of a small country that was not only antagonistic of the so-called Super-Power nations, but dared to take them all on. To create him as a villain with more depth and character than Blofeld ever dreamt of… With the dreams of Alexander and Napolean and Hitler wrapped in an iron coffin hooded in green. Those twisted human eyes from out that cold metal he hated. Scarred by his inhuman experiments into the netherworlds of sorcery and science.

FANTASTIC FOUR isn’t something to crank out in a year, it isn’t a single script, but a story arc that should be planned from day one, and take a decade to realize. Anything short of Fantastic makes this film feeble. They have a chance to make a film that in character is superior to all-comers, in scope – it blows every other superhero out of the water. This is the big one, and right now… They’re fumbling this one badly. After Marvel’s stock soars with the success of SPIDER-MAN… sell, come 2005, I fear the worst is yet to come.