El Cosmico here, with a much-needed proper review of the new Star Trek series.

Did we really need another Star Trek series? Of course, no. Unfortunately though, the folks making this stuff don't want to be out of work and move on with their lives, so they stick us with still more re-hashed stories, character types, technology, forever and ever.

I'm actually a little surprised that they're only at series 5 right now. I mean, for a while there, it looked like we'd get a new series every year, and every time slot on every channel would be Yet Another Star Trek Show. Well, no such bad luck.

They've said the series will blow everyone away. I think the series will blow, forcing everyone away. I gotta say, I really love our pal Derek Flint's review. It's rare that one of our guys sends me something that I actually agree with, and that I really feel good about posting. Most of the stuff I'm sent is a lot of boring, inconsequential rumour, about shows I don't care about at all, or what a certain celebrity is up to...just stuff I couldn't care less about.

Well, I've seen a good number of pages from this script, and I think it's just awful. I mean, honestly, folks, what people are doing to Gene Roddenberry's legacy is pretty sad. I thought Andromeda was bad, even though Kevin Sorbo and Lexa Doig are very likeable on screen, but this new Trek series is just....AAAHHHH!!!!! I have a headache now.

This isn't your father's Star Trek. No, because that would mean it was good. I really don't know what the hell is happening to this world of ours. Maybe it's the proliferation of channels and content, maybe there's just so much content out there, with an enormous chunk of mediocrity, such that people will look at this new series and say, "Well, shit, it's not THAT bad, I mean, compared to Voyager and Andromeda..."

Screw that line of thinking. If those thoughts enter your head, you can go straight to hell, because we don't need you on this plane of existence anymore. Before you watch this show, think about the reasons you SHOULD like Trek. Think about the great characters, innovative plots, the real positive messages that Trek once represented. Then, feel your brain implode, and have your heart crushed if you dare to watch the new series.

Before the Flint review, here's a bit from our friend Viacom Girl:

It is looking like Scott Bakula will be the new captain of the early "Enterprise," and right now they're looking at hot chicks to be his female "Spock."  The agenda is to find what they've described as a Vulcan "Seven Of Nine."

The pilot has to do with the first encounter with a dreaded race called "Klingons," and IMHO... this show will be to "Star Trek" what "The Phantom Menace" was to "Star Wars."

Viacom Girl

That's really all you need to know. They're looking for HOT CHICKS. I guess a lot of us are, and they're nice and all, but as this week's release of TOMCATS proves, they alone do not make for fine dramatic fare.

I'd like to believe that Scott Bakula can pull this off, but the script is so bad, can even he make this show work? I'd be surprised, but in my opinion, if the show has a chance at all, it's because of Scott.

Well, enough from me. Here's Derek Flint's excellent opinion on the matter:

Dave:

I just read the script for the new "Star Trek" show and I'm still mad. I don't know whether you'll run this review or not, but I want you to read it:

One of the things that made me a fan of AICN is its true love of the genre.  In fact, I've always felt the people who write articles here care more about some "franchises" than the very people running them.

That's always been true when talking about "Star Trek," as all of us have suffered through what Rick Berman and his untalented band of butchers have done to a concept that used to bring us all nothing but joy.  

Now, it just brings us nothing.  For those who still sadly attend the conventions and vainly hold onto the dream, it sends them to therapy.

There have already been rants about the lousy "Trek" movies Berman has foisted upon the American public.  After all, "Trek" is often referred to as a "franchise."  

Well, so are McDonald's and Jack In The Box.  It's safe to say that Berman's "Trek" suffers from its own unique form of hoof and mouth disease.

First there was "Generations," which should have been called "Plan 10 From Outer Space."  To paraphrase a nursery rhyme:  "Kirk and Picard fighting up a tree... K...I...C...K...I...N...G!!!

Then, there was the competently produced but completely unoriginal "First Contact", a remake of "TBOBW" episode of "Next Gen" which had the novelty of adding a little element called ACTION to Berman's usually dull franchise..  (If you call constantly shooting slow moving "Borg" action.) Despite a positive response, the film still fell short of the benchmark one hundred million dollar mark.

You see... even when Berman hits, he falls short.

Then there was "Insurrection," a pitiful excuse for a feature film.  A stupid premise authored by a talentless hack who couldn't write a decent menu for the International House of Pancakes.  It was directed by a feature film neophyte as if it were a two part sixth season episode.  

Sitting through it was a near death experience.  I started looking at my watch ten minutes in and had to keep reminding myself that whatever I was watching on the big screen had no commercial breaks.  The DVD of "Insurrection" should feature commentary from Rick Berman essentially repeating over and over again: "I'm a no talent loser.  I'm sorry.  Go ahead... pee on me, because I'm rich."  

The result of "Insurrection" is that millions of moviegoers now think of Patrick Stewart as the professor from "X-Men" before they think of him as the captain of any starship.

"Make it slow."

Rick Berman is a bum, a flagrant no talent and nothing but an interloper whose primary agenda is to keep his platinum card glistening, even as the luster of the starships he's helmed are as dull as a junked Pontiac lying on the bottom of a river.

As far as the smaller screen...

"Deep Space Nine" had some merit... but it really wasn't "Star Trek."  

I loathe "Voyager" and couldn't get through an episode even if I were tied to a chair and under the influence of hallucinogens.  The debacle of "Voyager" isn't all Rick Berman's fault, since his idiot accomplice Brannon Braga shares equal blame.  

"Mini Rick", as Braga is known, should be writing straight to video sequels to "Hellraiser."  Then again, those have too much depth and imagination for him.  In the pigpen of "Star Trek" scribes, Braga is definitely the runt of the litter.

Someone I know offered me the latest "Star Trek" script to read.  I assumed it was for the upcoming feature film, the one which Berman said has a strong villain, the concept of "cloning," ooo!! Oooo!  How original!!  As well as ROMULANS!!!  Wow, can't wait to plunk down my twenty bucks for that pageant of mediocrity.

Turns out the script I got isn't for the next Next Gen movie, but for Berman's next "Star Trek" TV show.  

It's designed as a "prequel" to the whole "Star Trek" universe, and gives Berman Braga a chance to rewrite "Trek" history and make it their own, usurping Roddenberry once and for all.

Already the president of UPN has said this "Enterprise" will "blow everyone away."  

Next to George W. Bush, the head of UPN could be safely called the SECOND dumbest president in America.  Maybe the dummy should resign from UPN and try to get a job in show business.

So, expecting this latest Berman script to be bad... imagine my surprise as I sat down to read it and discovered...

IT'S WORSE.

The franchise is over.  This will be the last "Star Trek" series.  Everyone has complained that the well ran dry a long time ago, so now what they're serving up are the ashes of a cremated corpse.  

I read on Cinescape that Berman claims "this won't be your father's 'Star Trek.'"  Well, have you ever seen my father's "Star Trek," Berman?  It was called THE ORIGINAL SERIES, and THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS TRIES TO BE... EXCEPT IT'S LAME, HACKNEYED, DERIVATIVE, UNINTERESTING with LOUSY CHARACTERS and WHO GIVES A SHIT SITUATIONS.  

It also makes the last sci fi "prequel" to a legendary franchise "The Phantom Menace" seem like "Citizen Kane."  At least that thing had the pod race.  At least I could watch it in a digital cinema and react to music and memories of a long time ago, in a galaxy... you know the rest.

Now, when I hear the "Star Trek" fanfare before Berman's lousy shows... it's a funeral dirge.  

You killed something we all loved, Berman... with your extraordinary lack of ability, vision and overall greed.  You're Rich Berman, not Rick.

The word is Scott Bakula will be playing the captain of this first "Enterprise."  The whole script is about "firsts," being a prequel... as if we really care to see the VERY FIRST MEETING WITH A RACE KNOWN AS... KLINGONS.  (We have a clumsy scene right out of ST6 where they try to communicate, humans to Klingons.  It's supposed to be funny.  It ain't.)

To make matters worse, the Klingons are the ones from TNG, not TOS... because Berman and Braga couldn't be bothered to watch the original I suppose.

What's SUPPOSED to be suspenseful or interesting about FIRST MEETING KLINGONS?!?!  HELLO?!?!?

Captain Bakula's second in command is, brace yourself, A VULCAN!!!  Add to this, she's a girl.. AND HOT!!!  From the way she's described, she appears to be the next 7 of 9 chick with nipples pointing just as much as her ears.  (I also suppose whoever is cast will be Braga's next girlfriend, if the end of "Voyager" also ends his very public relationship with a certain actress from the show.)  Crew members even check out her ass as she shakes it just like those jingle bells in "Amok Time."

See Berman, I've seen TOS.

These clowns don't even know how to properly write a Vulcan.  She's worse than the Vulcan dude on "Voyager" who always looked ridiculous to me, Tuvok Shakur, or whatever the hell that character's name is.

Note to Berman and Braga:  Vulcans are NOT supposed to be EMOTIONAL!!!

There's an engineer who isn't a clone of Mr. Scott, it's a Xerox of "Bones."  His ranting and complaining are almost as annoying as mine.  The alien doctor in this script makes the awful Neelix seem like a long lost cousin you miss.  

Page after page, stilted dialogue, lame jokes, banal situations, a stupid villain and the general feeling that these idiots actually think that by going back to the beginning... they're reinventing this whole thing.

I haven't offered any spoilers because there's nothing to spoil.  There's no surprises, and the ending is particularly terrible because there isn't one... it's all a prequel to Berman's decades of mediocrity.  ("Take us out" and "let's go see what's out there" lines abound, as if underscoring that we're in store for ADVENTURE with a capital A..  Instead of a wormhole, we have a big A-HOLE named Rick.)

The next "Star Trek" series will be the last.  Maybe we should be thankful for that. The last blood from the stone has been squeezed, and this tripe I've read is just paper with printing.  

This show is the "Joe Dirt" of "Star Trek."

If Paramount had any brains or class, they'd can Berman and Braga's asses and give this "Enterprise" to the folks who made "Galaxy Quest."  None of us doubt those people know the original quite well, not to mention love, respect and UNDERSTAND it more than Sick Vermin and Oat Brannon Blather ever could.

It's over, and to paraphrase the late, great Dee Kelley's wonderful character: "It's dead, Jim."

Derek Flint

Strong words, Derek! Sadly, they ring quite true. They needed to be said. So, there you are folks, I am the bearer of bad news. Sorry about that.